The lights are magnificent and I am overwhelmed by its beauty.
As I stare at the sparkling darkness I can't help but be mesmerized and awed that I live in such a captivating wonderland.
"Ah-ha...I understand it now."
It was like the fog finally cleared.
"How are you liking Korea?"
It's a seemingly simple question that both Koreans and people abroad are curious about. The thing is, I often don't give them an answer they expect.
"It's okay."
"Eh, I'm having a hard time, if I'm honest."
"It's not that different from everyday life back home."
And naturally, people become perplexed.
"Then...why are you still there? Why don't you go back home?"
Then I become perplexed. As an auto-response I tend to say things like:
"Well it's just this month."
Or
"Well life outside of work is pretty fun."
But inside? I ask myself the same question:
Why do I stay?
It wasn't until the other day that I realized that my joke about being in a relationship with Korea isn't too far-fetched.
Our relationship officially started back in the Spring of 2013 (we had been getting acquainted for a little less than two years before that, though). I was younger and blinded with my first taste of traveling abroad--especially since it was a country I had been itching to get to for the longest time.
My time studying abroad was truly one of the happiest times of my life. So much so that I experienced a serious case of reverse culture shock when I got back to the States. I mean, imagine it: you just spent months living in one of the largest cities in the world with minimal responsibilities and all time in the world to have new experiences every day along with newly made friends from around the world. Then suddenly, you are tossed back to Boone, North Carolina (a small mountain town with very little to do) to finish out your final year of college where you will thereafter be thrown into the real world. Yeah...I didn't handle it well.
(Me. Trying to come to terms with my reality days before the semester started)
By the end of my study abroad, however, I had already decided to return to teach after I graduated. So all I had to do was wait. I knew Korea would wait for me and it would be just as wonderful as before.
Only, it wasn't.
After all, the reality of entering full(ish) adulthood can't be escaped by going to another country.
At least not entirely. If anything, it adds a different set of issues that you wouldn't have to experience if you got a job in your home country immediately after college. Especially if you are unfortunate enough to end up in a hagwon horror story (which I did have a small taste of when I first got here--though definitely not up there with the most extreme stories).
The first two years here were brutal for me.
I struggled a lot in my early days. I struggled with practically everything--getting food, buying everyday items, getting around the city--starting off in "the middle of nowhere" was tough [cultural note: anywhere that is not Seoul, Gyeonggi-do, Daegu, Gwangju, or Busan is pretty much considered "the country" here...though some even go as far as saying anywhere outside of Seoul is "the country side"]. Even though I could (poorly) read the Korean alphabet, I couldn't actually speak, read, or understand much of anything useful. If it weren't for the kindness of a few of my Korean coworkers at the time, I wouldn't have managed as well as I did (which honestly still wasn't that well).
Of course with time it got a bit easier (in reality I only left my first job because of the school itself, not because of anything else). And once I got to Seoul and started working for a much more well-known hagwon most of those initial challenges eased up. But I still struggled a lot with: dealing with my lack of a quality social life; living in my overpriced, roach-y, poorly insulated apartment; dealing with the typical pressures that can be found at a lot of hagwons; and worrying about running out of money since I still had debts to pay from college (at a job that didn't pay very well).
As I'd call my best friends back home distressed about something that happen they would ask the usual question, "Why don't you come back home?"
I had no answer, but still I stayed.
The true test of my relationship with Korea was when I moved to my third job.
At that time I decided to sell my soul for money and give teaching children a try. I had never had a harder time adjusting to a job than I did at that school. The kids ranged from mildly well-behaved to fearless demons. I have no idea how to deal with children--especially in an environment where there was no form of real punishment that I could enforce. Between dealing with that and other major things in my personal life...I just couldn't deal.
(How life felt at the time)
So when a family emergency called me home, I quit my job without thought and decided I wasn't coming back. I failed. I was damaged. It was time to throw in the towel. This relationship was just never meant to be.
"But wait...you're in Korea now, aren't you?"
Well, after I was home for a couple of months, I found myself missing Korea. That same, inexplicable pull that got me interested in Korea in the first place came back and one thing led to another and well...
This time around I lucked out and my current hagwon is not so bad (even signed a second year contract for the first time recently).
What my subconscious knew before I realized it while looking at that bus window that night is that... I could never hate Korea. Korea has put me through some of the hardest moments of my life...but at the same time, Korea has also given me some of the happiest moments, as well. Just like any relationship, there are going to be some ups and downs but in the end...
I'm in love with this place.
Sure, it's a love-hate relationship, but it's my love that keeps me here. I don't know how long our relationship will last (as Korea is my second home, but America will always be my first). If it's another year, ten years, or the rest of my life--I'll leave that to fate rather than set a limit to our relationship.
What I do know is that, this time around, I am going to try to make the most of it. So when/if I do leave, it will be entirely with no regrets.
Take it easy,
